I Love My Bed

For the past eighteen years I have been in a long term love affair with my bed. The way it knows how to comfort me the moment I slip in-between its soft sheets and lets me sleep so peacefully. And in this love affair, I'm lucky enough to get my perfection every single night. I'm also a massive fan of Alice Cooper and whilst listening to his song "I Love the Dead" I could helping singing along but instead the words were "I Love my Bed". Now I just need to come up with replacement lyrics for the rest of the song... shouldn't be too hard, maybe expect that at a later date.

As with every love affair you eventually have to leave your partner, whether it be to go to work, school or midnight snack but for me this is the most difficult challenge of my life. And I have to do it every morning. To get to work on time I have to leave by 6:45am and so I set my alarm on my phone for 6am. Three quarters of an hour to get ready for eight hours work and a four hour round trip commute. The idea being I have plenty of time to have breakfast and not have to rush things. But when that alarm wakes me up I find myself in the most comfortable position I've ever known. This is when my love is cruel to me as I have a decision to make; to leave or not to leave.

I do that thought process that goes through most peoples head whereby I calculate how much time it actually takes me to get ready to try and give a new target time to get up. Breakfast becomes unimportant as well as making that packed lunch I said the previous night I'd make to try and save a bit cash. The conclusion is that I can stay in bed for another fifteen minutes. Nine hundred more seconds where I can relax and let covers continue to curl around me in their loving cocoon. Apart from it isn't is it, it's the most agonizing 900 hundred seconds of my life. I can't relax because I'm too scared that I'll fall asleep again and be late for work so I keep checking the time every minute to check that I haven't gone past my cut off point. It really is a form of torture.

And once that fifteen minutes are up I find myself recalculating, seeing if I can create another torturous minute or five but ultimately I fail. I have to try my best and mentally gear up before trying to move limps in a coordinated effort to release myself from my one true love. 


This ordeal is undertaken by people all over the world every second of the day. If you are one of the lucky ones that doesn't go through this every morning then read the wonderful words of Garfield below who I think sums things up perfectly.

If people were meant to pop out of bed we'd all sleep in toasters